Pat Shurmur, Meet Cleveland: You think Rams fans had it bad? Browns fans are unparalleled in their fervor and heartbreak

By Terry Pluto, The Plain Dealer  

CLEVELAND, Ohio -- Welcome to Cleveland, Pat Shurmur.
It's always nice to see a new head coach in Browns Town, where you are the fifth to open a season since the franchise returned in 1999.
One thing Browns fans know how to do is watch coaches being hired, then fired. They know how to get their hopes up in the August sun of training camp and then feel their hearts sink in the first snows of November.
That is what football life is like here, where the Browns have the NFL's second-worst record since 1999.
Pat, you must understand that your fan base is an abused football family. Don't ever say the word "move" during a news conference, even if you mean the team is moving forward. There is nothing good about the Browns moving, after what Art Modell did to the franchise in 1995 by hijacking it to Baltimore.
You grew up in the Detroit area, then played and coached at Michigan State. You were born in Ann Arbor. Even though you are in Buckeye territory, no one will care if you win some games on Sunday. But if you keep losing and are booed, don't blame it on being from Michigan.
It didn't work for Braylon Edwards, and it won't work for you.
You probably followed the Detroit Lions as a kid. You may think you know what it means to lose and the impact it has on the fans. After all, the Lions and Browns are two of only four franchises -- Houston and Jacksonville being the others -- never to reach the Super Bowl. But at least the Lions never moved to somewhere like Bangor, Maine!
In Northeast Ohio, we don't want to hear about their suffering.
Never say a kind word about Baltimore or Pittsburgh. That's Pittspuke to most Browns fans, who quote the late, legendary Godfather of Cleveland sports talk -- Pete Franklin.
If you must say something about the Ravens or the Steelers, try this: "I don't know who we want to beat more, Pittsburgh or Baltimore. We hate 'em. We loathe 'em. We hope they never win a game -- even when they play each other! We hope they tie, 0-0, and the stupid game never ends."
Then say something wise about Paul Brown being the father of pro football; the greatest coach ever. Throw in occasional references to Otto Graham, Frank Ryan, Brian Sipe and Bernie Kosar.
Especially Kosar. The fans here worship Kosar, because he loves the fans. Never say anything about a favored Browns player having "diminishing skills." Check with Bill Belichick and Modell about that.
Say 1964 was your favorite year, even though you weren't born yet. If you don't know what 1964 means to Cleveland fans ... in the name of Jim Brown, Gary Collins and Blanton Collier and beating Baltimore, 27-0 -- you better find out!
Once you do learn the significance of 1964, understand that your fans are the most miserable in pro sports, and proud of it.
Your last stop was St. Louis, where the Rams were 6-42 from 2007-09. You may think you know about an emotionally scarred fan base after spending the past two seasons there, and seeing how excited the fans were when the Rams were 7-9 last season.
St. Louis fans complaining? About what? The Rams went to the 1999 Super Bowl. You know what happened to Browns fans in 1999? The franchise returned as an expansion team. They were 2-14.
In 2003, the Rams were 12-4. The Browns were 5-11 and Butch Davis was building up to his panic attack that led to quitting the Browns in 2004.
In seven of the past eight years, the Browns have lost at least 10 games. No wonder Browns fans have their own language.
When they scream, "Metcalf up the middle," it's not a play suggestion. If you hear about Red Right 88, the proper response is wailing and gnashing of teeth. If someone mentions The Fumble, a moment of silence is in order.
Whatever you do, never, ever even think about putting a logo on those orange helmets. Don't talk about how the weather is cold. Fans here revel in frostbite and chattering teeth.
You are in Browns Town, where the team has won one playoff game since 1989. That was in 1994, a year before the move was announced. The Browns have been back to the postseason once since -- a loss in 2002.
Assuming Colt McCoy opens 2011 at quarterback, he will be the fourth to start a season in the past four years -- and the 10th to start a season since 1999.
This has got to stop, just like all the losing.
Of course Browns fans are howling for a championship, but they long for a team they can believe in, a coach and front office that inspires confidence and maybe, just maybe, two winning seasons in a row along with a trip to the playoffs.
You do that, and you'll discover the real truth about Browns Town -- it is, by far, the best football city in the world.

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