Five worse candidates than Jimmy Haslam as owner of the Cleveland Browns.

It has been reported by nearly every news source from one side of the country to the other that the Cleveland Browns are on the fast track to being sold to Tennessee businessman and minority owner of the Pittsburgh Steelers Jimmy Haslam.

For us Browns' fans the news was sudden but not particularly shocking since current owner Randy Lerner (who will reportedly remain a minority owner  with a 30% share) has always had far more interest in his other "football" team in Europe.

But I choose to look at the positives here. For one Lerner has been an absentee owner (thus the hiring of current team President Mike Holmgren). But more importantly Haslam is a successful businessman who has spent time in a VERY stable organization as a minority owner in the Pittsburgh Steelers. Plus I can think of at least five other individuals that would make worse owners than Jimmy Haslam.

1. Lady Gaga:

I'm sure she has the capitol necessary to purchase the Browns but the results would be disastrous. For one the stadium would probably be painted some awful color like neon-hot pink. The natural grass turf would become zebra fur or some other odd substance, and I can only image what the food menu would become at the stadium. Plus (not that our orange and brown uniforms are an outstanding color scheme) but I can only image what she would want the team to wear (Pending NFL approval “THANK GOD”). The Seahawks uniforms would actually become tasteful under those circumstances.

2. Tom Cruise:

A celebrity owner would be scary enough but Tom Cruise would be a nightmare especially considering his "over-zealousness" of the Church of Scientology. His first order of business would be to change the name of Cleveland Browns Stadium to something like the "L Ron Hubbard Memorial Field of Worship" or something equally odd.

The second thing that Cruise would do is change the Browns name. The team would probably become the Cleveland Xenus. This of course in honor of the dictator of the "Galactic Confederacy" which is a big part of the theology of Scientology.

But Cruise being owner would have some bonuses. For one, press conferences with the media would be entertaining. Secondly I'm sure there would be a free E-Meter giveaway at least once a year. I've never actually seen one or even know exactly what it is, but Scientology believes they are very important in regards to Diametric process.

 3. George W Bush:

On this list the 43rd President of the United States actually has some sports experience. Granted he almost destroyed the Texas Rangers while there but its experience none the less. Plus if the Browns are winning by halftime Bush can call a press event declaring victory. Also much like Tom Cruise, I'm sure the press conferences would be hilarious.

4. Patrick (The starfish and best friend of Spongebob Squarepants):

Let me first say, Patrick is a nice guy and faithful friend to Spongebob, and I'm sure he would be just as faithful and committed to the Browns franchise. However, and unfortunately, he is as sharp as a bowling ball.

For those of you not familiar with the Nickelodeon television phenomenon let me describe to you what Patrick would be like in real life. He would have the physical attributes of John Goodman. The steadiness and grace of Andy Dick, and the mental IQ of Joey Tribbiani which was a character from the popular TV show "Friends". Of course there are “some” that say we already have a "Patrick-like" figure in the organization (cough, cough, Mike Holmgren, cough).

5. Anyone with the last name Modell:
 
Does this one really require any further explanation?

So Browns' fans it could be worse. In fact this sale could be a great thing. It would be wonderful to have a team owner with a vested interest in football and the team’s performance.

Can you think of anyone else that would make a terrible owner for the Browns?

Let us know by leaving a comment.

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